Hello Everyone!

With Christmas on our doorstep, naturally this month's issue of CraziestJokes Newsletter will be all about Christmas Jokes.

Enjoy!

CHRISTMAS JOKES

***

It was just before Christmas and the magistrate was in a happy mood. He asked the prisoner who was in the dock, 'What are you charged with?'

The prisoner replied, 'Doing my Christmas shopping too early.'

'That's no crime', said the magistrate. 'Just how early were you doing this shopping?'

'Before the shop opened', answered the prisoner.

***

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa.

Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel stuck on top of the Christmas tree . . . .

***

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"

***

It was a cold and misty Christmas morning in the very depth of Winter after a heavy fall of snow and only one farmer and the minister managed to arrive at the church for the morning service.

“Well”, said the clergyman “'I guess there's no point in having a service today.” “Well that's not how I see it,” said the farmer.

“If only one cow turns up at feeding time, I still feed it.'

***

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

***

Father Christmas: What's your favorite Christmas story?

Elf: The one where the three creatures are scared of the Big Bad Wolf and they grow on trees!

Father Christmas: You mean 'The Three Little Figs'?.

***

Why is Christmas just like another day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

***

If Santa answered his letters...

Dear Santa,

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben good boy all yeer.

YeR FReND,BiLLy

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawncare specialist. How 'bout I send you a f***ing book so you can learn to read
and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!

Santa

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!

Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,

You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa

Dear Santa,

I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!

Love, Joey

Dear Joey,

Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.

Santa

Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.

Love, Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone.

Santa

Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?

Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,

All the toys get made in China.

I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses' asses, and losing all my cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know!

Santa

Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?

Love, Marky

Mark,

Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school.

Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in.

I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.

SweetDreams!

Santa

***

Well, that's it for this year, have a Merry Christmas and a great New Years party.. the next collection of jokes will be on your way on January 1st, 2010.

It will be a collection of New Years jokes, on a perfect day to send a few goodies to your friends..

All the best ;-)

Katrin

1. December 2009

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