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Monthly Jokes from Craziestjokes.com Issue #004 -- Jan 2010
January 01, 2010
Hello Everyone, and Happy New Year!
Bit of a heavy night last night?
Yeah, same here.
I think today is a perfect day to waste while sending your friends a few New Year Jokes..
Here you go:
NEW YEAR JOKES
There's a man sitting at a bar on New Years Eve, just looking at his drink for half an hour.
Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking.
Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life.
First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me.
When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing.
I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.
I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener.
I leave home and come to this bar.
And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
On New Year's Eve, Ann stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death.
Attainable New Year's Resolutions
Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat more fast food.
Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
Read less. Makes you think.
Stop exercising. Waste of time.
Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
Spend your summer vacation in Cyberspace.
Get further in debt.
Associate with even worse business clients.
Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.
Start being superstitious.
Focus on the faults of others.
Forget about your faults.
Never make New Year's resolutions again.
New Year's Resolutions that are Harder to Attcheive
I will stop checking my e-mail at 3am on my way to toilet.
When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I won't reply "MS Tech Support."
I will stop sending e-mail to my wife. Sometimes it is better to talk about things.
I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages while being on the phone at the same time with the same person.
When I hear a funny joke, I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"
I will try to figure out why I *really* need 7 e-mail addresses.
I promise to back up my 12GB hard drive daily.. well, once a week.. okay, monthly then.. or maybe.. at least once a year.
I will think of a password other than "password".
I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.
I will stay on the computer as long as I want. What? Okay, dear... I'm coming. Never mind.
I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.
When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from them.
I will find out why the correspondence course on "Mail Fraud" that I purchased never showed up.
I will get off the computer and out of the house at least once a day .. whether it's necessary or not.
Your Dog's New Year's Resolutions
I will not eat cats' poop.
I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
I will not roll on dead animals to get smelly.
I will remember that the postman and garbage collector are NOT here to steal our stuff.
I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
I will shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
Your Cat's New Year's Resolutions
I will not sleep more than 23 hours per day.
I will not annoy the dog next door (unless I'm in a bad mood)
I will take more time from my busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
I will circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.
I will come when my human calls me (occasionally)
I will not demand to get out the minute after I come in, and vise versa.
I will not scratch wallpaper, curtains, furniture, clothing instead of my scratch pad.
I will get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.
I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
I will understand that my head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.
I will accept that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.
Well, that's it for today, i will go and have a hair of that dog that bit me last night and chill out in the pool.. Remember it's summer here in Australia ;-)
You have a great day and all the best for 2010!!!
1. January 2010
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