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Monthly Jokes from Craziestjokes.com Issue #008 -- May 2010
May 01, 2010
Hope you are all good and enjoy the spring in the Northern Hemisphere that by now must have become quite warm.. It's nice and cool here Down Under ;-)
This month's newsletter is about Family and Marriage Jokes.
Have fun :-)
FAMILY AND MARRIAGE JOKES
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice.
"Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
A women on her deathbed called her husband and instructed him to look under their bed and open the wooden box he found.
He was puzzled by the 3 eggs and $7,000 in cash he found in the box, so he asked his wife what the eggs were for.
"Oh those", she replied, "every time i regretted having got married, I put an egg in the box".
Not bad, the husband thought to himself, after 35 years of marriage, then he asked, "But what about the $7,000?"
"Oh that", she replied, "every time I got a dozen I sold them."
Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.
"So," Peter asks the first guy, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"None. I had a perfect marriage."
"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Viper."
St Peter turns to the second guy and asks, "And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.
"Ok. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac.
Then he asks the third guy, "And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"Twelve times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.
"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."
Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Viper crying.
"I just saw my wife."
"She was riding a skateboard."
A guy is in a toy shop buying a birthday present for his daughter.
When asked what he would like, he simply says "a Barbie doll".
The shop assistant looks at him and asks "Which Barbie would that be, sir?"
The man looks surprised so the assistant continues "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie dates Badd Teddy for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Night Clubbing for $19.95, Cyber Barbie for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $265.00"
The man can't help himself and asks "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the other Barbies are selling for $19.95?"
"That's obvious." says the assistant, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ...".
And finally, an oldie but a goodie..
A woman goes to Centrelink to register for family allowance.
"How many children?" asks the assessor.
"Ten" replies the woman.
"Ten?" says the council worker.
"What are their names?" he asks.
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne".
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the woman, "itís great because if they are out playing I just have to shout "Waayne, yer dinner's ready" and they all come running in".
"What if you want to speak to one of them individually?" says the council worker.
"That's easy," says the woman. "I just use their surnames".
Have a great month and, with the beach season beginning in the Northern Hemisphere, the next issue will be "Beach Body Diet Jokes". It will be in your inbox on the 1st of June, enjoy ;-)
1. May 2010
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