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Monthly Jokes from Craziestjokes.com Issue #009 -- June 2010
June 01, 2010
In the middle of the summer in the Northern Hemisphere (and year-around beach weather in the Southern Hemisphere), this month a lot of people will spend their days on the beaches.
This usually creates a large amount of people watching their weight so June is a good month for dieting jokes.
BEACH BODY DIETING JOKES
We all know that a diet is a diet is a diet.. but there are a few times you are allowed to make exceptions, and still avoid the calories!
Food eaten quickly doesn't count. If you gulp a meal down, the calories get no time to make any impact on you.
Food eaten from someone else's plate has no calories. Instead of ordering a dessert, eat half of your companion's dessert and it doesn't count.
Childrens' food has no calories if eaten by adults. This includes spoonfulls of baby food consumed for demonstration purposes, swallowing a few slices of cheese while preparing your childrens' lunch sandwiches, and eating the leftovers from your kids' dinner plate.
When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat more than the other person.
Food licked off knives and spoons while in the process of cooking have no calories. Leftovers generally have no calories.
Food consumed for medical purposes doesn't count. This includes hot chocolate, brandy, and toast with honey on.
Food eaten while standing up has got no calories that affect you. The calories go right to the ground and disappear like electricity.
Uneven edges on pies and cakes have no calories. You are allowed to straighten up the edges and eat the irregular pieces without getting in any calories.
Food eaten in front of TV has no calories. It is not absolutely clear why, but it is believed to have to do with the radiation from TV, which eliminates all the calories, and also all recollection of having eaten it.
If you are eating while drunk, the food has no calories. That is why pub meals are so popular, and also dining with a wine. The alcohol gets rid of all calories.
If you are so drunk that you cannot remember eating, the food has absolutely no calories, because basically you haven't eaten it.
The next day, while hangover, packets of chips and other fatty food have no calories. This is because the calories are too busy burning the alcohol out of your body.
Drinking is generally good because it helps your metabolism and makes you feeling not hungry.
It often makes you want to dance, which is a good excercise. But also just walking to the bar desk and back to buy drinks many times a night is much better than nothing.
As an extra bonus you'll need an Aspirin the next day which is good for your heart.
Talking heart, red wine is good for your heart, and white wine is good for your lungs. So for each glass you are allowed a cigarette, the negative effects of which are eliminated by the positive ones.
Make an exercise diary for yourself.
Some clever energy-saving exercising options are jumping to conclusions, going over the edge, bending the rules, stirring up trouble, beating the system, passing the buck, pushing your luck, starting the ball rolling, circulating rumors, balancing the books, counting eggs before they hatch, running around in circles, climbing the carrier ladder, digging up dirt, adding fuel to the fire and fighting the current.
Good luck, and I'll see you on the beach ;-)
The next issue of Craziestjokes newsletter will be out on the 1st of July - with hiking jokes.
Take care :-)
Disclaimer: This is a jokes newsletter so do not follow those instructions for your diet and then blame CraziestJokes.com
1. June 2010
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