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Monthly Jokes, Issue #022-- July 2011
July 01, 2011

Hi folks,


Cheers from the Aussie winter, getting a bit chilly here right now.. But because most of youse are in the Northern Hemisphere, here are a few summer jokes..


Bob says to Lester, You know, I reckon Im about ready for a summer vacation, only this year Im gonna do it a little different.

The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant.

Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again. Lester says, So what you gonna do different this year? Bob says, This year, Im takin Marie with me


***

One summer afternoon, a guy walking along the beach finds a bottle. He pulls out the cork, and a genie appears and tells him he has three wishes. "But," the genie says, "I have to warn you, whatever you receive, your worst enemy will get twice as much as you."

"OK," says the guy, "first, I want ten million dollars." The genie grants the wish and reminds him that his worst enemy now has twenty million dollars.

"Next wish, I want a thirty-room mansion in the Bahamas." The genie builds the mansion for him, and lets him know that his worst enemy now has a home twice as big.

"Fine. For the last wish," the guy picks up a big stick and hands it to the genie, "beat me HALF to death."


***

A farmer hires a college student one summer to help around the farm. At the end of the summer the farmer says, "Son, since you have done such a fine job here this summer, I am going to throw a party for you." The college guy says, "Right on, thanks a lot man."

So the farmer says, "Well you better be able to handle a few beers because there will be lotsa drinkn' going on." College guy "Hey, I can drink just as much as anyone else so I should do just fine."

Farmer "There is also going to be a lot of fightn' so I hope you are ready." College guy "I have been working hard all summer and I think I am in pretty good shape."

Farmer says, "Well, did I mention that there will be lotsa sex?" College guy "Good. I have been out here all summer and I have been dying for some action.

What should I wear to this party?" Farmer says, "I don't care it's just going to be me and you."


***

On a cheerful summer holiday weekend a man walks into the butcher shop that has a sign in the window saying "Ground Sirloin: 29 cents per pound."

"I'm having a cookout this weekend," the man says, "and I'd like 5 pounds of your ground sirloin, please."

The butcher shakes his head and says, "Sorry. I'm all out." The disappointed man goes down the street to another butcher shop and asks, "How much is your ground sirloin?" "It's $3.29 per pound."

"Three twenty nine?" exclaims the man. "Just up the street they are selling it for 29 cents!" The butcher smiles calmly at the gentleman and asks, "Does he have any?"

"No. He's out of it right now." "Well," says the butcher, "When I don't have any, I can also sell it for 19 cents per pound!"


***

Summer Retreat ~ A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several weeks each year to his summer home in the backwoods of Maine.

Every summer, he would invite one friend or another to stay with him there for a week or two. One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to visit him.

The friend, happy to get anything free from a lawyer, eagerly agreed. When the time came, they spent a wonderful time, getting up early every morning and enjoying the great outdoors.

One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were picking raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast, they were approached by two huge bears~~a male and a female. The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover.

His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. Seeing this, the lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and raced for the nearest town to get the local sheriff.

The sheriff grabbed his high~powered rifle and raced back to the berry area with the lawyer. All the while, he was plagued by visions of lawsuit from his friend's family. He just had to save his friend. Luckily, the bears were still there.

"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male. The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female.

"What did you do that for?!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would you believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?"


***

One hot summer morning an attorney, an accountant and an engineer were out on their boat fishing. Half way through the day, they noticed that their motor stopped and all their communications were dead. Even their cell phones had no signal and they were still about 100 yards away from shore.

Even though they noticed a lot of sharks in the water, the attorney decided to swim to shore and get help. The attorney made it to shore and contacted the coast guard. By the end of the afternoon, the coast guard sent out a rescue boat and they safely brought the boat and men back to the beach.

When the men were on the beach, they later asked the attorney: How did you manage to make it to shore with all those sharks in the water not eating you alive? The attorney then replied: I am an attorney, it is called professional courtesy!


***

One hot summer day, a man is filling up his black pickup truck at the local gas station. He isn't very careful, and he gets gasoline all over his jacket's left sleeve. He ignores it, and leaves the station after paying for the gas.

As he's driving down the highway, the heat of the sun on his truck's black paint is enough to ignite his jacket sleeve. He drives faster, waving his arm out the window in an attempt to extinguish the flames, but they burn hotter!

As he speeds down the highway, a state trooper sees the situation and pulls him over. He jerks the man out of the truck and rolls him on the ground until the fire is extinguished. As the man dusts himself and thanks his rescuer, he sees the officer is writing him a summons! Confused, he asks, "You're writing me a ticket!? What for?" The officer replies, "Posession of an illegal fire arm."


***

Q: What did the bee say to the other bee in summer?
A: Swarm here isn't it!


Q: What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A: A puddle!!


Q: How do you prevent a summer cold?
A: Catch it in the Winter!


Q: What do frogs like to drink on a hot summer day?
A: Croak-o-cola.


Q: What does the sun drink out of?
A: Sun glasses.


Q: Which letter in the alphabet is the coolest?
A: Iced T.


Q: What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day?
A: I'm bacon!


A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken!


Enjoy the summer :-)


Katrin


1. July 2011


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