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Monthly Jokes, Issue #024-- September 2011
September 01, 2011
It's back-to-school time, so here are some school jokes...
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey.
It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded...
If you drink Whiskey, you don't get worms."
Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.
Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah.
Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "F&%# OFF!", the dog ate him!"
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came for the kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.
She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude.
But eventually his turn came.
Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period," reported Johnny.
"Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I knew," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one.
Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms.Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said,
"Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Johnny looked up and replied,
"Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
TEACHER : Little Johnny, give me a sentence starting with "I".
Little Johnny : I is...
TEACHER : No, Little Johnny. Always say, "I am."
Little Johnny : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
"Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice.
Would you please do my homework for me?"
The father said, "No, it wouldn't be right."
"That's ok," replied Little Johnny, "but you could at least give it a try, couldn't you?"
Little Johnny was getting bad grades in school.
One day he stepped up to the teacher's desk, and announced,
"I don't want to scare you Miss Finch, but daddy says if I don't get better grades... somebody is gonna get a spanking."
The arithmetic teacher had written 10.9 on the blackboard and had then rubbed out the decimal point to show the effect of multiplying this number by ten.
"Johnny," the teacher asked, "where is the decimal point now?"
"On the eraser!" came back the quick reply.
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the f&%#ing difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
“Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?”
“None,” replied Johnny. ”Because the rest would fly away.”
“Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher. “But I like the way you are thinking.”
Little Johnny said, “I have a question for you now.
If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?
“Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one sucking the cone?”
“No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger.
But I like the way you’re thinking!”
All the best and have a great September :-)
1. September 2011
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