Hi everyone,

I am travelling in remote nothern Australia again and with very little internet reception, some days I am suffering from my computer addiction.

Which reminded me of some old goodies:

You are getting a bit addicted when..

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

You name your children eudora, aol and dotcom.

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.

You laugh at people with 28.8 baud modems.

You start using smileys in your snail mail.

You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are because they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask.

When you are taking notes and in the end of the line you write .html

You move into a new house and decide to netscape before you landscape.

You tell the cab driver you live at http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html

You start tilting your head sideways to smile :)

***

12-Step Recovery Program for Web Addicts

1. I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2. I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3. I will get dressed before noon.

4. I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

5. I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that havent got an email account ot IM.

6. I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

7. I will read a book... if I still remember how.

8. I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

9. I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check my emails.

10. I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

11. I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, whether it is necessary or not.

***

If Life Was Like a Computer..

If you messed up your life, you could press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over.

To get your daily exercise, just click on "run".

If you needed a break from life, click on suspend.

Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.

To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.

To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel.

To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.

If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.

When you lose your car keys, click on Search.

"Help" with the chores is just a click away.

Car insurance wouldn't be necessary.

You would use your CD ROM drive to recover from a crash.

To fix the things up you'd just go and change the source code.

***

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period.

How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am.

Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show?

How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional.

It's not a separate thing, it pops out of my computer."

Tech Rep: "A cup holder pops out of your computer? We don't have such computers."

Caller: "Yes, you do. It's a large cup holder, about the size of a CD plate.

So I was using a big cup and it broke off.......

***

Internet Drinking Game

With the recent rise of "Geek culture," the long-held misperception that computer users are solitary, electronic slaves is slowly receding like a ten percent drop shadow.

Geeks have asserted for years that they can party as hard as any testosterone-filled football player.

To prove it, we present the tidbits Web Surfing Party Game (TBWSPG, pronounced "Fred").

Fred is best experienced in a group setting (say, a rack of office cubicles at lunch time), but you can also play at home alone or networked, of course.

To play, choose your favorite drink, connect to your ISP, and start surfing the Web.

Remember to be responsible, and hand over the mouse when you've drunk too much.

DRINK ONCE IF ...

Your modem has to redial when connecting to your IS (if more than five times, stop drinking and cancel that darn AOL account already!)

You see a "Best Viewed With..." tag (twice if it's animated)

You get any error message (bad URL, etc.)

You see an under construction sign

You view a page with a Web counter (twice if it's a broken graphic)

You view a blink tag (not necessary to drink for every blink)

You come across a Java applet (twice if it doesn't load)

You see the phrase "cool links"

A background sound loads (you also must dance with drink in hand)

Your browser crashes

You have to resize the browser window

A graphic doesn't load

DRINK TWICE IF ...

You hit a JavaScript error

You arrive at a password-protected site (if you can guess the password in three tries, collect a dollar from everyone in the room and chug drink)

You find a home page purportedly belonging to someone's pet

"Cool" is spelled "kewl"

You have to download a plug-in and restart your browser

The graphics are broken on a Web designer's home page

SPECIAL ...

If you hit a Shockwave project, you have to wait to drink until it's downloaded (This is a good chance to walk to the store for more drinks, render 3D images, or write a new operating system.)

***

Things you don't want to hear from tech support:

10. Press 1 for Support, Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes, Press 3 if you're with the FTC....

9. So - what are you wearing?

8. Do you have a sledgehammer or brick handy?

7. Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n.

6. We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery.

5. In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect.

4. Bummer Duuuuuude.

3. I'm sorry. I'm afraid I can't do that.

2. ... that's right, not even MacGyver could fix it.

1. Hold on a second....... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!

***

And finally, the new emoticons......

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some "ASSICONS?"

Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_?_) a dumb Ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

***

Have a great month and don't spend too much time on the computer ;-)

Katrin

1. October 2011

CraziestJokes.com

For Copyright issues, please see CraziestJokes' Site Policies

P.S. If you miss an issue of CraziestJokes Newsletter, the fault is in your end. I always send one. The most likely reason is that your ISP has mistakenly filtered out our newsletter. I do my best to let the filters know that this is not a junk email. I cannot guarantee that I succeed though, as those filters are different for every ISP. Consider whitelisting CraziestJokes, so that our newsletter doesn't end up in your trash folder, or even worse, is completely deleted before it ever reaches you.

I will NEVER send you anything but our newsletter with our monthly jokes, and I will NEVER give your email address to any third parties.