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Monthly Jokes, Issue #027-- December 2011
December 01, 2011
December is here so time for another lot of Christmas jokes ;-)
Funny Christmas Quotes
Merry Christmas, Nearly Everybody!' Ogden Nash
'Happy, happy Christmas, that can win us back to the delusions of our childhood days, recall to the old man the pleasures of his youth, and transport the traveller back to his own fireside and quiet home!' Charles Dickens
'Love came down at Christmas; Love all lovely, love divine; Love was born at Christmas, Stars and angels gave the sign.' Christina Rossetti
I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, Just like the ones I used to know, Where the tree tops glisten And children listen To hear sleigh bells in the snow. Irving Berlin
'I heard the bells on Christmas Day. Their old familiar carols play. And wild and sweet the words repeat. Of peace on earth goodwill to men.' Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
It was the doctor's last patient consultation of Christmas Eve. A mother came in with her young daughter and asked if he would examine her because she had been showing some strange symptoms, including a significant increase in weight, sickness most mornings and a number of strange cravings.
He checked her out very carefully and eventually told the mother that her daughter was unquestionably pregnant. At which news she protested very strongly.
'Don't be ridiculous, my daughter has never been with a man'
The girl confirmed that this was true and added that she had never so much as kissed a man.
The doctor studied the girl very carefully, then quietly stood up, walked to the window and stared out of it.
Suspecting the worst the mother asked if there was something wrong.
"No, not really" replied the doctor. 'It might just be a coincidence, but the last time this happened a bright star appeared the East.'
On Christmas Eve, Nathan thought it would be nice to buy his wife a little gift for the next day. Always short of money, he thought long and hard about what that present might be'
Unable to decide, Nathan entered Debenhams and in the cosmetics section he asked the girl, 'How about some perfume?' She showed him a bottle costing £75. [$150USD]
'Too expensive,' muttered Nathan.
The young lady returned with a smaller bottle for £50. 'Oh dear,' Nathan groused, 'still far too much.'
Growing rather annoyed at Nathan's meanness, the sales girl brought out a tiny £10 bottle and offered it to him. Nathan became really agitated, 'What I mean', he whined, 'is I'd like to see something really cheap.'
So the sales girl handed him a mirror.
Ways to confuse Santa
19. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
18. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
17. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
16. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
15. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
14. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
13. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
12. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
11. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa."
10. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
9. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
8. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
7. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
6. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
5. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
4. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
3. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.
2. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the
1. Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighbourhood ain't big enough for the both of us."
It was coming up to Christmas and Sammy asked his mum if he could have a new bike. So, she told him that the best idea would be to write to Santa Claus.
But Sam, having just played a vital role in the school nativity play, said he would prefer to write to the baby Jesus. So his mum told him that would be fine.
Sam went to his room and wrote ' Dear Jesus, I have been a very good boy and would like to have a bike for Christmas.'
But he wasn't very happy when he read it over. So he decided to try again and this time he wrote 'Dear Jesus, I'm a good boy most of the time and would like a bike for Christmas.' He read it back and wasn't happy with that one either.
He tried a third version. 'Dear Jesus, I could be a good boy if I tried hard and especially if I had a new bike.' He read that one too, but he still wasn't satisfied.
So, he decided to go out for a walk while he thought about a better approach. After a short time he passed a house with a small statue of the Virgin Mary in the front garden.
He crept in, stuffed the statue under his coat, hurried home and hid it under the bed. Then he wrote this letter.
'Dear Jesus, If you want to see your mother again, you'd better send me a new bike.'
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should have known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check.
In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.
He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's flying skills to the test.
The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and even Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload.
Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass.
Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun. "What's that for!?" asked Santa incredulously.
The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."
There once was a Tsar in Russia whose name was Rudolph the Great. He was standing in his house one day with his wife. He looked out the window and saw something happening. He says to his wife, "Look honey. It's raining."
She, being the obstinate type, responded," I don't think so, dear. I think it's snowing."
But Rudolph knew better. So he says to his wife," Let's step outside and we'll find out."
Lo and behold, they step outside and discover it was in fact rain. And Rudolph turns to his wife and replies, "I knew it was raining. Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
It was Christmas Eve. Harry and Shirley had returned from an enjoyable midnight mass at their local church.
They arrived home and spent a short while relaxing by an open fire before retiring to bed.
Some time in the middle of the night they were awoken by heavy knocking on their front door.
Harry was very unhappy about this. He went down stairs and noisily unlocked the door to be confronted by disheveled man who was obviously the worse for drink.
'Th'cuse me thur. Will you helpth me with a puth."
"Help you with a push!" said Harry. "You drunken idiot! Get away from my house before I call the police!
Irresponsible people like you should be banned from driving!" And slammed the door into the man's face.
He went back to bed and was astonished to find himself being reprimanded by his wife.
"How could you be so mean and uncharitable." she said. "Surely this evening's sermon must still be ringing in your ears.
How the innkeeper turned Joseph and Mary away on Christmas Eve.
Here you are presented with the same situation and you show yourself to be no better than that uncaring man. Shame on you."
Harry was shocked by the relevance of what he had done and was full of remorse. He ran down the stairs and opened the front door, but the man was no longer there.
So, he ran down the path to his front gate to see if the man or his car was along the road; but there was no traffic or people at all.
On the off-chance that the man might still be around somewhere he shouted loudly. "Hey mister, needing a push, where are you?
The unmistakable drunken voice replied immediately. "Over here thur, on the thwing."
A little boy returned from Sunday School with a new perspective on the Christmas story.
He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus.
He was so excited he just had to tell his parents: "I learned in Sunday School today all about the very first Christmas!
There wasn't a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys!"
And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn't there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around."
What to say after getting a Christmas present you didn't want:
10. Thanks a lot!
9. My word! What a gift.
8. Well, well, well ...
7. If I hadn't put on so much weight recently it would have fitted me perfectly.
6. Gosh, I hope I never lose this. We're always losing things around here.
5. It's great; but I'm worried about the envy it may create.
4. Just my luck to get this on the very Christmas I promised to give all my gifts to charity.
3. Unfortunately, I am about to enter MI5's Witness Protection programme.
2. Frankly, I don't deserve this.
1. Really, you shouldn't have.
Office Holiday Memo
Office Holiday Memo
To: All Employees
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season
Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).
1. Running aluminium foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.
Billy wanted to purchase a Christmas gift for his new sweetheart. They had not been going out together for very long. So, after careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would most appropriate; romantic but not too personal.
He then engaged the help of his sweetheart's younger sister to assist him in choosing an appropriate item; and off they went shopping together.
Billy eventually bought a pair of very stylish winter gloves in pale pink and the sister took the opportunity of buying herself a pair of panties from the same store.
However, during the wrapping process, the shop assistant mixed up the two items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.
Without thinking to check the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note :
'I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons down the side, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled.
I asked her to try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I could be there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!
All my love.
Christmas has to be a warm, well organised, caring, considerate, social occasion. So, it's unlikely that a man could take responsibility for making it happen.
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about Christmas until Christmas Eve.
And when they do eventually rush into the high street at the latest possible moment, they seem genuinely surprised to discover that the only options remaining on the shelves are cheap perfume and lingerie suitable for high class tarts.
Let's face it, Santa Claus must be a woman. If Santa was a man, all there would be under the Christmas tree are high tech' toys .... still in the original wrappings, of course.
Another flaw in the 'he-Santa' argument is his apparent ability to arrive promptly every Christmas Eve.
If Santa was a man, he could be relied upon to have transportation problems, get lost in all the snow and clouds and flatly refuse to ask anyone for directions.
There are lots of other reasons why Santa can't be a man:
Men have no idea about packing bags.
Men would rather be dead than wear red velvet.
Men have no interest in stockings, unless they are being worn by an attractive female.
But, the real show-stopper is, most men simply can't do commitment.
A reindeer walked into a pub, strolled up to the bar and ordered a pint of lager.
Completely unphased, the barman poured out the lager and passed it to the reindeer, who handed over a ten pound note.
As he handed over the change of a few coins, the barman said "I have to say, you're first reindeer I've seen in here."
The reindeer studied the change very carefully and said. "Tell you what, as these prices I'm the last reindeer you're going to see in here."
Merry Christmas all :-)
1. December 2011
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