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Monthly Jokes, Issue #034-- July 2012
July 01, 2012

Hi again,

Once we got started with away messages, I found more.....


Bored voice: Heaven, God speaking...


Frantic violin music: Hello. You have reached 555-3949.

We are currently unable to answer because we are either chasing, or being chased by, bats.

Please leave a message.


Sinister organ music: Hello, you have reached the Brown residence.

You now have two choices. Number one, you may leave a message.

(Angelic "Hallelujah!")

Or number two, suffer eternal damnation.

(Horrid death scream.) You decide.


To the tune of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana: Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, No one's here, No one's home, Leave a message, At the tone.

Don't feel stupid, Its no big fuss, Leave a message, You can reach us.


Pink Floyd's "Nobody Home": You have reached 555-8783.

Please leave a message. ("Ohhhhhhhhh, babe... When I pick up the phone...

There's still... Nobody home.")


(In the background can be heard springs creaking and various moans; husky, soft female voice is best:)

Jack Webb voice: This is the city.

Lambertville, New Jersey. I work here.

I carry a tune.

I was changing my name to protect my innocence when I got a call about a 411.

It sounded like good information to me.

But I needed more. A name and a number.

So leave yours and I'll return your call. Or I can send you a FAX.

Nothing but the FAX, ma'am. (Hum the "Dragnet" theme...)


In Joe Friday voice: This is Constable Augie of the Canadian Security and Intelligence Service.

The phone line you have just dialed is currently under investigation on a warrant issued by the Attorney General of Canada.

To facilitate our investigation, we would appreciate you leaving your name, number, a brief message, and any affiliations you may have made now, or in the past, with communist or terrorist organizations.


In a good Australian accent: G'day mate.

Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile.

Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.


Stoned, slow voice: Hey brother, you have reached the Narcotics Information Hotline.

None of us can answer the phone right now, 'cause we're trying to decide if it exists. Leave a message.


Enjoy your holidays :-)


1. July 2012

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