Hi folks,

I could not help myself - but i promise this is the LAST lot of Away Messages!!

***

Computer generated voice: Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now.

***

Drunken voice: You have reached Bob's hotline.

We are not able to respond due to uninevitable circumcisions.

But if you leave your name and noomber, we won't be in wonder... pa-a-a-a!

***

Operatic music like Rossini's "Stabbat Matter": Hi, you've reached Hell.

(Screams in the background.)

We're busy being cleaned by the light of eternal truth right now, so if you leave your name, number, and a brief message, we'll get back to you at the end of time.

***

Jimmy Buffett's "This Hotel Room": "I ain't home, I ain't home, you better leave a message 'cause I ain't home."

***

Demented, screechy voice; occasional background screams: Hello.

Thank you for calling Last Straw Chiropractic.

(Raspy gasp.)

We can't come to the phone right now because we're making a couple of adjustments. (Break a few small twigs; big scream.)

Please leave your name and number and we'll get back to you as soon as it is humanly possible.

***

Rod Serling imitation: You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode.

You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device...

You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".

***

Sultry female voice: Welcome to Susan's Message Parlor of Delights.

We would be delighted if you would leave your name, number, and of course a message that doesn't rub us the wrong way...

***

With strong east Indian accent: Hello, you have reached the existential hotline of Ransheesh.

I am currently meditating, but if you leave your name and which lifeline you are currently inhabiting at the sound of the Om,

I will send good karma waves and contact you when the stars align properly.

***

Enjoy the rest of the holiday season - back to school/work jokes in the next issue!

Katrin

1. August 2012

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