Hi people,

It's back to school..

***

The first day of school is always special to me. It's the only day of the year when I'm not behind in my homework.

The first day of school wouldn't be so bad if it weren't followed by the second day of school, and the third day of school, and then the fourth day of school . . .

The first day of school is exciting, but so is riding a roller coaster, and I wouldn't want to do that for nine months in a row either.

Teachers always seem happy on the first day of school. That's because they're getting paid to be there. We kids have to do it for free.

There's one good thing about the first day of school. When it's over; you're one day closer to the last day of school.

***

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman stood up.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

***

On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, "I don't belong here, I should be in third grade"

The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please take his seat.

Only five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said,

"I don't belong here, I should be in the third grade!"

Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry's problem.

The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged.

They soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of.

The teacher suggested they try some biology questions ...

"What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?" asked the teacher.

"Legs!" Larry immediately replied.

"What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?" asked the teacher.

"Pockets!" said Larry.

The teacher looked at the principal, who said, "Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions."

***

A third grade teacher always took role call each morning and had the pupils' answer by reciting a short poem. The first kid stood u and said, "My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can."

The next kid was a little girl. She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, "My name is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have a baby if I can, and I think I can."

The next on the list was Little Johnny sitting in the back of the room. He stood up and said, "My name is Johnny, and I don't give a darn about Japan but I would like to help Suzy with her plan if I can ... and I think can!"

***

The teacher of the geography class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked,

"Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

  ***

The psychology teacher had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the students.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, the teacher asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

***

The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living.

One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.

When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a whore."

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office.

Then, 15 minutes later, he returned.

The teacher asked, "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?" Johnny said, "Yes".

"What did the principal say?" "He said that every job is important in our society, gave me a pocket full of lollies and asked for my phone number."

***

The School Answering Machine

Hello!

You have reached the automated answering service of your school.

In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2

To complain about what we do - Press 3

To swear at staff members - Press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8

To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

To complain about school lunches - Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

Have a great September :-)

Katrin

1. September 2012

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