Hi people,

I bet by now everyone is back to work whether you are here in Australia or in the Northern Hemisphere.

So here you have a few workplace jokes:

How to Make Your Business Look Good...

1. Messy desk.

Top management can get away with a clean desk.

For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough.

Build huge piles of documents around your workspace.

To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's the volume that counts.

Pile them high and wide.

If you know somebody is coming to your office, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing pile and pull it out from there when he/she arrives.

2. Look busy even outside your office room.

When walking down the hall always carry a document.

People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings.

People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria.

Also, carry loads of paperwork home with you every night, to make it looking like you work longer hours than you do.

3. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like work to the casual observer.

You can send and receive personal e-mail, play card games and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work.

These aren't exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution expected but they're not bad either.

When you get caught by your boss - and you will get caught - your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss sneak away like a frightened gecko.

4. Use voice mail and never answer your phone.

People don't ring you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they ring because they want YOU to do work for THEM.

Screen all your calls through voice mail.

If somebody leaves a voice message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour.

That way, you're hardworking and conscientious.

If you diligently employ the method of returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up and look for a solution that doesn't involve you.

The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last message.

I took care of it."

If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently.

One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages.

If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages.

Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full" - a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand, and may be too busy for whatever they want to get done.

***

How to Liven up a Meeting

The most boring part of a working day is a meeting.

Some people can stand it, others literally sleep through or are having a very hard time to keep themselves awake.

Here are a few tips that can help to keep yourself and your colleagues awake through a meeting.

Give a broad wink to someone else at the table.

In time, wink at everyone.

Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it.

Complain loudly that your neighbour won't stop touching you.

Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it.

Spill coffee on the conference table.

Make a little paper boat and sail it down the table.

Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal.

Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting.

If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect.

Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts.

Pretend to find substantiating evidence there.

Nod vigorously, and say "uh-huh, uh-huh!

***

Cannibals Who Know Who Is Working

Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company.

During the welcoming ceremony the boss says:

"You're all part of our team now.

You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat.

So don't trouble the other employees".

The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss says:

"You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you.

One of our female developers has disappeared however.

Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals disown all knowledge of the missing developer.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others:

"Which of you idiots ate the developer?"

One of the cannibals raises his hand hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says:

"You FOOL!

For four weeks we've been eating team leaders, managers, and project managers and no-one has noticed anything, and now YOU ate one developer and it got noticed.

So hereafter please don't eat a person who is working."

***

Haha the last one is one of my favourites..


Have a great month :-)


Katrin

1. October 2012

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