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Monthly Jokes, Issue #039-- December 2012
December 01, 2012

Hi people,

As usual this time of the year, with Christmas almost here, enjoy a few Christmas Jokes!



Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve.

They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Heaven.

On entering, they are told that they must present something with a flavor in order to get in.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some pine needles from the family's Christmas tree.

He is allowed entry to Heaven.

The second man offers a bow and some ribbon, from presents that were opened earlier that evening.

He too is allowed entry to Heaven.

The third man reaches into his pocket and produces a pair of panties.

What re they to do with Christmas? Oh, they're Carol's.

And he was allowed into heaven!


A Reindeer Walks into a Bar

A reindeer walks into a bar on a cold December night.

He orders a dirty martini and pays for it with a $20 bill.

As the bartender gives him his meager $1 change, the bartender says,

“You know, you are the first reindeer that has ever come into this bar.”

The reindeer huffs back, “Let me tell you something, buddy.

At these prices, I will probably be the last reindeer you ever see in here!”


Monastery Christmas

At a monastery high in the mountains, the monks have a rigid vow of silence.

Only at Christmas, and only by one monk, and only with one sentence, is the vow allowed to be broken.

One Christmas, Brother Thomas is allowed to speak and he says,

"I like the mashed potatoes we have with the Christmas turkey!" and he sits down.

Silence ensues for 365 days...

The next Christmas, Brother Michael gets his turn, and he says

"I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I hate them!"

Once again, silence for 366 days (it's leap year).

The following Christmas, Brother Paul rises and says,

"I am fed up with this constant bickering!"


Santa's Non-existance Theory

1. No known species of reindeer can fly.

There are 300,000 species of living things yet to be classified, and most of these are insects and bacteria.

Although this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer, the chances for it yet to be discovered are pretty slim.

2. There are 2 billion children in the world.

But since Santa only appears to handle the Christian children,

that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million.

At an average rate of 3.5 children per household, that is 91.8 millions homes.

One presumes there's at least one "good" child in each.

3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels East to West.

This works out to 822.6 visits per second.

This is to say that for each Christian household with good children,

Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each one of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth, we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75 and a half million miles.

This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound.

For purpose of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth,

the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second

- a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting aspect.

Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego Set (2 lbs),

the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa,

who is invariably described as overweight.

On landing, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 330 pounds.

Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point 1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine reindeer.

We need 214,200 reindeer.

This increases the payload, not even counting the weight of the sleigh, to 353,430 tons!

Again for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth!

5. 353,430 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance.

This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as space craft re-entering the Earth’s atmosphere.

The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy per second ... EACH!

In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously,

exposing the reindeer behind them, and creating deafening Sonic Booms in their wake.

The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousands of a second.

Santa, meanwhile, will be subject to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity.

A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - if Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve ...

he's dead now!


New Year Joke

There's a man sitting at a bar on New Years Eve, just looking at his drink for half an hour.

Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying...

The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking.

Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life.

First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office.

My boss, in an outrage, fires me.

When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.

The police say they can do nothing.

I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there.

The cab driver just drives away.

I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener.

I leave home and come to this bar.

And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Merry Christmas!!


1. December 2012

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