AUSSIE JOKES

Aussie mateship



An Aussie woman didn't come home one night.

When her man asked her the following day where she'd been she said she spent the night at a girlfriend's house.

The bloke was a bit suspicious so he rang her ten closest friends, but none of them had seen her.

The following week the man didn't come home one night.

The woman asked him where he'd been.

The man said he got a bit drunk at a mate's place and thought it was safer not to drive when drunk.

The woman didn’t believe him so she rings his ten best mates.

Eight of them say he spent the night there and two claim he's still there.

Aussie Jokes -- Weather in Canberra

+25°C: Queenslanders turn on the heat. Melbournians sunbathe.

+10°C: Melbournians turn on the heat. People in Tasmania plant gardens.

+5°C: Sydney residents shiver uncontrollably. People in Canberra go swimming.

+2°C: Italian cars won't start. People in Canberra drive with the windows open.

0°C: Distilled water freezes. Canberra water gets thicker.

-7°C: Sydney people wear coats, gloves, and wool hats. People in Canberra throw on a T-shirt.

-9°C: Queenslanders begin to evacuate the state. People in Canberra go camping.

-18°C: Melbourne landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Canberra have a last BBQ before it gets cold.

-23°C: People in Perth cease to exist. People in Canberra lick flagpoles.

-29°C: Sydney people fly away to South Pacific islands. People in Canberra throw on a light jacket.

-40°C: Darwin disintegrates. People in Canberra rent videos.

-51°C: Mt. Hotham freezes. Canberra Girl Guides begin selling Guide biscuits door to door.

-62°C: Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Penguins leave Antarctica. Canberra Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.

-73°C: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. People in Canberra put on a coat.

-114°C: Ethyl alcohol freezes. People in Canberra get frustrated when they can't thaw their kegs.

-183°C: Microbial life start to disappear. Canberra cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

-273°C: ALL atomic motion stops. People in Canberra start saying "Cold 'nuff for ya?"

-296°C: Hell freezes over. Canberra wins the soccer.

Aussie Joke -- Funny Aussie Jokes -- Bubba and His Two Assholes

 

Bubba died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body.

So his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were sent for.

Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."

So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought that was rather strange.

Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body.

Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes.

"What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes.

Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes".

Aussie Jokes -- Funny Aussie Jokes