AUSSIE JOKES
Aussie mateship
An Aussie woman didn't come home one night.
When her man asked her the following day where she'd been she said she spent the night at a girlfriend's house.
The bloke was a bit suspicious so he rang her ten closest friends, but none of them had seen her.
The following week the man didn't come home one night.
The woman asked him where he'd been.
The man said he got a bit drunk at a mate's place and thought it was safer not to drive when drunk.
The woman didn’t believe him so she rings his ten best mates.
Eight
of them say he spent the night there
and two claim he's still there.
Aussie Jokes -- Weather in Canberra
+25°C: Queenslanders turn on the heat. Melbournians sunbathe.
+10°C: Melbournians turn on the heat. People in Tasmania plant gardens.
+5°C: Sydney residents shiver uncontrollably. People in Canberra go swimming.
+2°C: Italian cars won't start. People in Canberra drive with the windows open.
0°C: Distilled water freezes. Canberra water gets thicker.
-7°C: Sydney people wear coats, gloves, and wool hats. People in Canberra throw on a T-shirt.
-9°C: Queenslanders begin to evacuate the state. People in Canberra go camping.
-18°C: Melbourne landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Canberra have a last BBQ before it gets cold.
-23°C: People in Perth cease to exist. People in Canberra lick flagpoles.
-29°C: Sydney people fly away to South Pacific islands. People in Canberra throw on a light jacket.
-40°C: Darwin disintegrates. People in Canberra rent videos.
-51°C: Mt. Hotham freezes. Canberra Girl Guides begin selling Guide biscuits door to door.
-62°C: Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Penguins leave Antarctica. Canberra Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.
-73°C: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. People in Canberra put on a coat.
-114°C: Ethyl alcohol freezes. People in Canberra get frustrated when they can't thaw their kegs.
-183°C: Microbial life start to disappear. Canberra cows complain of farmers with cold hands.
-273°C: ALL atomic motion stops. People in Canberra start saying "Cold 'nuff for ya?"
-296°C: Hell freezes over. Canberra wins the soccer.
Aussie Joke -- Funny Aussie Jokes -- Bubba and His Two Assholes
Bubba died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body.
So his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were sent for.
Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."
So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange.
Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body.
Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes.
"What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes.
Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes".
Aussie Jokes -- Funny Aussie Jokes -- Australian and Chinese Customs
Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai.
He buys a small piece of land near Mt Isa.
A few days after he moves in a friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go along and welcome the new guy to the region.
He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.
Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for a day.
The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it.
Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.
The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says “Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs?
I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens.
The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about shit on you.”
The Chinese man is very taken back and says “Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.”
'What do you mean mate,” says the Aussie, “those aren't Australian customs.”
”Yes
they are, man at travel agent tell me,” replied the Chinese man, “he
say to become true Australian, I learn chase chicks, drink piss, and
listen to bull-shit”
Thanks for this joke, Tanya!
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