Best Irish Jokes

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits down, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after you draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.

One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin.

When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.

So I drinks one for each o' me brothers and one for meself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it at that.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawn in his eye and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine" he explains, "it's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.

"Hasn't affected me brothers a bit though."

-- Best Irish Jokes -- World's Best Irish Jokes -- Clean Best Irish Jokes --

It seems three Irishmen, Sean, Michael and Tim, passed over at the same time.

Upon encountering the Pearly Gates, they were met by ST. Patrick himself, and he addressed the boys thusly: "Lads, I'm here to welcome you to heaven where you will spend eternity.

Just remember one thing, when you go through these gates, don't step on any of the ducks or you'll be punished for eternity.

Sean went in first and was amazed to see that the entire ladscape was encompassed by ducks, and try as he might, sure enough he stepped on one.

He was immediately joined by one of the homliest colleens he's ever laid eyes on, and she said,"Well love, you stepped on a duck and now we're together for all time."

And of course the exact same thing happened to Michael only his companion was even the worse for wear.

By this time Tim was absolutely terrified.

And he gingerly managed to make it most of the way across the court without stepping on a single duck.

Suddenly, his arm was taken by a young lass.

Tim looked over and beheld the most beautiful, graceful, blue-eyed woman he's ever seen in all his life.

He gasped, "I don't understand it!"

The young beauty answered, "Well I'm sure I don't either, I was walking along minding my own business, when all of a sudden I stepped on a duck."

-- Best Irish Jokes -- World's Best Irish Jokes -- Irish Drinking Joke --

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks:

"What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

-- Best Irish Jokes -- World's Best Irish Jokes -- Master of Ceremonies Jokes

John O'Riley was a member of an Irish Toast Masters' Club.

One evening at the local Irish Toast Masters meeting, a contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast.

Well, John O'Riley won the contest with the following verse:

"Here's to the best years o' me life, spent between the legs o' me wife."

When John O'Riley arrived home, his beautiful wife asked him how the Toast Masters' meeting went and he said, "I won the contest for the best toast of the evening."

His wife then asked him what his toast was, and he said "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent in Church wi' me wife."

His wife then said, "Why John, that's so nice of you to include me in your toast."

The next morning, Mrs. O'Riley was downtown shopping and ran into the local policeman on the beat who had also been at the Toast Masters meeting with her husband.

He said, "Hello Mrs. O'Riley, that was some great toast that your husband John gave at the Toast Masters meeting last evening.

"He won first prize."

"Yes, that's what he told me," said Mrs. O'Riley, "but he wasn't quite honest with the facts:  he's only been there twice, the first time he fell asleep, and the second time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"

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