BEST ONE LINE JOKES 

100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A clear conscience can be a sign of a bad memory.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Dyslexics are teople poo.

Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let her sleep.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Beer doesn't make you fat. It makes you lean (against doors, tables, walls).

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.

Children in the front seat of a car can cause accident. Accidents in the back seat of a car can cause children.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

Did anyone see my lost carrier?

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

Gravity: It's not just a good idea. It's the law.

Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her (or something like that).

-- Best One Line Jokes --

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

In America, anyone can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're better now.

If you believe that the quickest way to a man’s heart is the stomach, you know that you are aiming a little too high.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

-- Best One Line Jokes --

Men wouldn’t lie so much to the women in their life, if the women didn’t ask so many questions!

Never drink while driving. You could spill your beer!

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!

Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.

Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.

If it's tourist season, does that mean we can shoot them?

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

-- Best One Line Jokes --

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.

To make mistakes is human. To blame someone else for your problem, is strategic.

Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.

Women are like swimming pools – they cost a great deal of money to maintain, considering the time you spend inside.

Women marry because they believe that he will change one day. Men marry because they believe she’ll never change. Both are mistaken.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

Your future depends on your dreams. Don’t waste any time, go to bed now

Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

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