CLEAN SHORT JOKES

Aussie Number Plates



New South Wales: At Least We're Not Queensland

Queensland: Tobacco IS A Vegetable

Victoria: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Tasmania: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Australia: Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Western Australia: Yes, We Have Electricity

Northern Territory: But It's a Dry Heat

Australian Capital Territory: National Museums and A Lake

-- Clean Short Jokes from Down Under --

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, was a Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red handprint on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Kiwi thinks: The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Australian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Kiwi again.

Kent and three of his buddies have gone fishing every Saturday for nearly forty years.

One Saturday, the guys are fishing along a highway when a furneral processional drives by.

Well, Kent lays down his pole, stands up in the boat, takes off his lucky hat and places it over his heart.

This processional is huge and takes nearly five minutes to pass.

Once it passes, Kent sits down, puts his hat on and cast out without saying a word.

Needless to say his buddies are floored by his actions.

One of them finally speaks up and says, that sure was a respectful thing you did there when they went by.
Kent replied, it seems the least I could do seeing as how I've been married to the woman for over forty years!

-- Australian Clean Short Jokes -- Stolen Tent --

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.

After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, “Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?”

The Lone Ranger replies, “I see millions of stars.”

“What that tell you?” asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,

“Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What's it tell you, Tonto?”

“You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent.”

-- Australian Clean Short Jokes -- Aussie BBQ Rules --

Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food.

(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:

(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...

(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.

Important again:

(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...

(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women...

-- Clean Short Jokes from New Zealand --

A major earthquake, measuring 9.1 on the Richter scale hit New Zealand.

The country is devastated with 350,000 New Zealanders missing, and over 100,000 injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government is so overwhelmed that it has issued a worldwide appeal for assistance.

Other nations have been quick to respond to the disaster.

Britain is flying in rescue workers and sniffer dogs to help locate trapped victims.

The USA is flying in food supplies and aid money.

France is flying in doctors, nurses and first aid units.

Japan is flying in high tech communications equipment.

Germany is flying in special trained police squads to help restore order.

Russia is flying in tents and warm clothing.

Australia is flying in 350,000 replacement Kiwis…….

-- Clean Short Jokes -- Australian Hiking Jokes --

A bushwalker gets lost and ends up spending a few days wandering around in the harsh Australian bush looking for food.

Finally, he catches a numbat, hits it with a big rock, and begins eating it raw.

A park ranger stumbles onto the scene, finds the hiker eating the numbat, and arrests him for killing an endangered species.

In court the hiker explains that he was on the edge of starvation and had no choice.

“Considering the circumstances, I find you not guilty,” says the judge.

“But I have to ask - what did the numbat taste like?”

“Well, your honour,” the hiker says, “it tasted like a cross between a quoll and a Tasmanian Devil.”

Thanks for this joke, Tanya!

-- Clean Short Jokes from New Zealand --

An Aussie, a Kiwi and an African American in the hospital waiting room expecting to be proud fathers for the first time very soon.

Suddenly the door to the waiting room burst open and the doctor runs in!

“Congratulations Guys! You’re all proud fathers of healthy baby boys and coincidentally they were all born within seconds of each other!!” Say’s the Doctor excitedly.

“One problem tho… in the confusion of all these births we got a little confused and we’re not sure who’s baby is who’s.”

The Aussie is out of his seat as fast as you like and into the maternity ward, immediately picking up the black baby, obviously the African Americans child, and starts to run out of the hospital.

“Wait, wait!!” Shouts the doctor.

“That’s definitely not your baby!!”

“I know!” yells the Aussie on the hoof out the front door.

“… But one of the other two babies is a Kiwi and I’m not taking the chance!!!”

-- Clean Short Jokes -- New Zealand Maori Jokes --

Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk Maori led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.

'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied. 
'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'

'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'

'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.

'Just watch' he said.

He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.

His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.

Suddenly, an Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,
'For f*#k's sake, you stupid pr#ck .

It's ten past three in the f*#king morning !!!'

-- Clean Short Jokes from New Zealand --

What's the difference between an arsonist and the All Blacks?

An arsonist doesn't waste his last 5 matches.

A man was found by police laying dead on his front lawn wearing an All Blacks top pink panties and a dildo up his arse.

The police removed the All Blacks top to save his family further embarrassment.

-- Clean Short Jokes -- New Zealand Jokes --

An elephant, a penguin and a kiwi walk into a Central Otago Pub.

'Whats going on?' asks the bartender suspiciously.

'Is this supposed to be some kind of joke?'

-- Clean Short Jokes from Down Under --

More Clean Short Jokes from Down Under:

Aussie Jokes

Kiwi Jokes