Funnies Jokes Humor -- New Years Resolution Jokes

Easy New Year's Resolutions

Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

Stop exercising. Waste of time.

Read less. Makes you think.

Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.

Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.

Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

Start being superstitious.

Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.

Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.

Get further in debt.

Associate with even worse business clients.

Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.

Focus on the faults of others.

Mope about my faults.

Never make New Year's resolutions again.

Funnies Jokes Humor -- Harder to Achieve New Year Resolution Jokes

I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning.

When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I won't reply "MS Tech Support."

When I hear a funny joke, I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"

I won't try to get onto the Netscape ftp site as soon as a new Navigator beta comes out.

I will think of a password other than "password".

I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily...well, once a week...okay, monthly then...or maybe... at least once a year.

I will stay on the computer as long as I want. What? Okay, dear... I'm coming. Never mind.

I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet - This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher

I will try to figure out why I *really* need 7 e-mail addresses.

I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.

I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.

I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.

I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.

I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

Funnies Jokes Humor -- New Year Resolution Jokes

New Years Resolutions of Your Cat

I will not sleep more than 23 hours per day.

I will come when my human calls me (occasionally)

I will not demand to get out the minute after I come in, and visa versa.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.

I will grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.

Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.

Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.

I will not annoy the dog next door (unless I'm in a bad mood)

Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.

Funnies Jokes Humor -- New Year Resolution Jokes

Your Dog's New Year's Resolutions

I will not eat other animals' poop.

I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

I will remember that the garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.

I will not play that game, Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! Then re-live victory over the sock!

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