Funny Christmas Jokes

At a monastery high in the mountains, the monks have a rigid vow of silence.

Only at Christmas, and only by one monk, and only with one sentence, is the vow allowed to be broken.

One Christmas, Brother Thomas is allowed to speak and he says,

"I like the mashed potatoes we have with the Christmas turkey!" and he sits down.

Silence ensues for 365 days...

The next Christmas, Brother Michael gets his turn, and he says

"I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I hate them!"

Once again, silence for 366 days (it's leap year).

The following Christmas, Brother Paul rises and says,

"I am fed up with this constant bickering!"

Funny Christmas Jokes -- The Tradition of the Angel

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa.

Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you.

Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel stuck on top of the Christmas tree . . .

Funny Christmas Jokes -- A Christmas Cake Recipe

1. Sample the Johnnie Walker to check quality.

2. Take a large bowl, check the whisky again.

To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

3. Repeat.

4. Turn on the electric mixer.  Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

5. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.

6. Make sure the whisky is still OK. Try another cup.

7. Turn off the mixerer.

8. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

9. Mix on the turner.

10. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.

11. Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity.

12. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something.  Who giveshz a shit.

13. Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

14. Add one table.

15. Add a spoon of sugar, or something.  Whatever you can find.

16. Greash the oven and piss in the fridge.

17. Turn the cake tin 350 defrees.

18. Don't forget to beat off the turner.

19. Throw the bowl out of the f**king window.

20. Check the whisky again and go to bed.

-- Funny Christmas Jokes --

What Other Jokes Have Been Submitted

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