FUNNY ENGLISH JOKES


Funny English Jokes

There was a Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales.

Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.

Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap...

When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.

The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

Claudia Schiffer was thinking:'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.'

And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English b**tard again .

-- Funny English Jokes --


One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together.

They each bought a pint of Guinness.

Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BAS**RD!!!!"

-- Funny English Jokes --


An English man and an Irish man are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road.

Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road.

To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed.

In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on.

At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whisky.

He hands the bottle to the Irish man, whom exclaims,'' may the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.''

The Irish man then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down.

Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman, whom replies:

''No thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here!''

-- Funny English Jokes --

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scottishman are sitting in a pub full of people.

The Englishman says, "The pubs in England are the best.

You can buy one drink and get a second one free".

Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer.

The Scottishman says,"..yeah.

That's quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free."

Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer.

The Irish man says "Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland.

In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the backroom for a shag"

The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the Irishman replies "No, but it happened to my sister."


-- Funny English Jokes -- Good Funny English Jokes --

A battle weary American soldier boarded a crowded train in in London during the early days of post-WWII, only to discover he was unable to find a place to sit.

As he walked the length of the train, he noticed a small white dog curled up on one of the seats.

A large, well dressed woman sat in the seat next to the dog.

The man hovered near the seat, hoping the woman would take the hint, but she pointedly ignored him.

"Excuse me, Ma'am," the soldier finally spoke, "Is this your dog?

Would you mind holding it on your lap so that I may sit down?"

The woman raised her icy gaze to the young man and said in a haughty British accent, "oh! You Americans. You are so rude.

Fluffy is in that seat, and i see no reason why she should give up her comfort for you."

The exhausted soldier nodded, picked up the small dog ... leaned over ... opened the window of the moving train and tossed the dog out.

The woman gaped and spluttered in horrified indignation, and the man sitting across from her lowered his newspaper.

"You Americans", he said, "You drive on the wrong side of the road ... you eat with the wrong fork ... and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window."

-- Funny English Jokes --



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