FUNNY LOW CARBOHYDRATE DIETING INSTRUCTIONS
As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade.
This means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.
For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0°C (32.2°F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37°C (98.6°F).
For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above.
The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams.
Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37°C x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized.
Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories.
Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat, the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.
This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses.
Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process.
Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories.
It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.
Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0°C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature.
The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.
Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect.
But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.
We could all be thin if we were to adhere religiously to a pizza, beer, and ice cream diet.
- School of Physics, University of Sydney -
Funny Low Carbohydrate Dieting Instructions -- Chocolate Diet
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today.
That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
Eat a chocolate bar before each meal.
It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
Chocolate has many preservatives.
Preservatives make you look younger.
If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
Funny Low Carbohydrate Dieting Instructions -- More of Chocolate Diet
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.
Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
To balance your diet you can eat equal amounts of dark and white chocolate.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.
But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you anyway?
NB! this is a jokes site so please don't follow these funny low carbohydrate dieting instructions in reality and then blame us!
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