FUNNY MEDICAL JOKES

Doctor and Cannibal Joke

'Doc,' said the cannibal to the witch doctor, 'I have terrible heartburn.'

'What have you been eating?' said the witch doctor.

'A lot of missionaries with hooded robes and bald heads,' said the cannibal.

'How do you cook them?' inquired the witch doctor.

'I boil them in a big iron pot,' said the head hunter.

'You idiot!' screamed the witch doctor. Those aren't boilers - they're friars!'

Funny Medical Jokes -- Medical Doctor Jokes

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?

There are several different kinds of doctors, and it is told that they can be differentiated by the following method:

General Practitioners know nothing and do little.

Surgeons know little and do everything.

Internists know everything and do nothing.

Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it 's usually too late.

Funny Medical Jokes -- Doctor and Nurse Jokes

Nurse: Doctor, the man you've just treated collapsed on the front step what should I do?

Doctor: Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!

Funny Medical Jokes -- Amusing Doctor Jokes -- The Psychiatric Hotline

Hello, Welcome To "The Psychiatric Hotline".

If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are Co-Dependent, please ask someone else to press 2.

If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.

If you are Paranoid-Delusional, we know who you are and what you want.

Just stay on the line while we trace your call.

If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are Manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

Funny Medical Jokes -- Doctor Referral Jokes

The doctor took Dan into the room and said, "Dan, I have some good news and some bad news."

"Oh, no. Give me the good news, I guess, " Dan replied.

"They 're going to name a disease after you."

Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.

Doctor: Didn't the new glasses help?

Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.

"Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia?

I've heard once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."

"Don't worry, it won't happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia."

Doctor: "I've got very bad news - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's"

Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"

Funny Medical Jokes -- Short Doctor Jokes

The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated:

"I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again.

Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you."

"Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone."

"My doctor told me to take something for my cold."

"What did you take?"

"His Coat!"

A mother complained to her doctor about her daughters strange eating habits.

"All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax.

What will happen to her?

"Eventually" said the doctor, "she will rise and shine!"

Wife: Doctor My husband thinks he's a satellite dish.

Doctor: Don't worry I can cure him.

Wife: I don't want him cured I want you to adjust him to get the movie channel.

Did you hear about the Siamese twins?

Everything goes in one ear and out the brother.

Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?

He's fully recovered.

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