Hilarious Animals Jokes

A man goes into a pet shop and asks the owner if he could buy a pet that can do everything.

The shop owner says that  he's got a centipede that can do everything.

The man says, "A centipede?...

I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but OK... I'll try a centipede."

He goes home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."

Half an hour later, he walks into the kitchen and it's spotless!

All the dishes have been washed, dried, and put away, the counter-tops are cleaned and the floor is waxed. 

The man is absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Clean the living room."

Half an hour later, the living look is perfect.

The carpet has been vacuumed, plants watered and the furniture has been cleaned and dusted.

The man thinks to himself, "This is the most  amazing thing I've ever seen.

This really is a pet that can do everything!"

So he says to the centipede, "Get your shoes on and run down to the corner shop and get me a newspaper."

The  centipede walks out the door.

Ten minutes later, no centipede.

Twenty minutes later, no centipede.

Thirty minutes  later... no centipede.

By this point the man is wondering what's going on.

The centipede should have been back in a  couple of minutes.

An hour later - still no centipede!

The man is trying to think what could have happened.

Did the  centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car?

Bit worried, he goes to the front door, opens it ... and there's the centipede sitting right outside.

The man says, "Hey - I sent you to the corner shop an hour ago to get me a newspaper.  What's the matter!?"

The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"

Hilarious Animals Jokes -- Hilarious Animals -- Free Animal Jokes

A man is sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rings.

He opens the door, and there is a six-foot tall cockroach that punches him between the eyes and takes off.

The next evening, the man is sitting at home again when the doorbell rings.

When he answers the door, the cockroach  is  there again.

It punches him, kicks him and karate choppes him and then runs away.

The third evening, well the man is sitting at home again and the doorbell rings.

He opens the door again, and the  cockroach leaps at him and stabs him before running away.

Badly injured, the man rings ambulance.

He's rushed to intensive care where they save his life.

When the doctor asks  what happened, the man explains about the attacks of the six-foot cockroach, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.

The doctor thinks for a moment and says,

"Yes, there's a nasty bug going around".

Hilarious Animals Jokes -- Short Animal Jokes -- Vampire Bat Jokes

A vampire bat came flying in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get  some sleep.

All the other bats smelled the blood and began asking him about where he got it from.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they wouldn't so he finally he gave in.

"OK, I will show you", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

They went across a river, down through the valley, and into a forest.

Finally the bat slowed down and all the others  excitedly gathered around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I didn't!"

What Other Jokes Have Been Submitted

Click below to see contributions from other visitors to this page...

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More hilarious animals jokes:  

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Other Funny Bird Jokes

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