Hilarious Answering Machine Messages

Bored voice: Heaven, God speaking...

Drawling granny voice: Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine.

You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home.

Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a message.

Thanks a lot.

Frantic violin music: Hello. You have reached 555-3949.

We are currently unable to answer because we are either chasing, or being chased by, bats.

Please leave a message.

In a good Australian accent: G'day mate.

Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile.

Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.

-- Hilarious Answering Machine Messages --

In Joe Friday voice: This is Constable Augie of the Canadian Security and Intelligence Service.

The phone line you have just dialed is currently under investigation on a warrant issued by the Attorney General of Canada.

To facilitate our investigation, we would appreciate you leaving your name, number, a brief message, and any affiliations you may have made now, or in the past, with communist or terrorist organizations.

Thank you.

(In the background can be heard springs creaking and various moans; husky, soft female voice is best:)

Jack Webb voice: This is the city.

Lambertville, New Jersey. I work here.

I carry a tune.

I was changing my name to protect my innocence when I got a call about a 411.

It sounded like good information to me.

But I needed more. A name and a number.

So leave yours and I'll return your call. Or I can send you a FAX.

Nothing but the FAX, ma'am. (Hum the "Dragnet" theme...)

-- Hilarious Answering Machine Messages --


Loud heavy-metal music in background; raspy voice:

Hello, this is the executioner.

Joe can't come to the phone right now because he's DEAD!

Leave a name and number and IF we decide to resurrect him, he'll call you back.


-- Hilarious Answering Machine Messages --

Narrator's voice: There Dale sits, reading a magazine.

Suddenly the telephone rings!

The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds!

Will he make it in time?

Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain.

The bell hath sounded.

Thou must leave a message.

Noisy pick-up of phone: Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine.

If you give me your name and number

I'll... Uh, I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it.

Uh... By the way, where did you say you live?

Ominous electronic background music: In honor of Halloween, I'm about to perform an unspeakable pagan ritual.

So please leave a message.

Unless you're a virgin, in which case, why don't you stop by?


-- Hilarious Answering Machine Messages --

Pink Floyd's "Nobody Home": You have reached 555-8783.

Please leave a message. ("Ohhhhhhhhh, babe... When I pick up the phone...

There's still... Nobody home.")

Sinister organ music: Hello, you have reached the Brown residence.

You now have two choices. Number one, you may leave a message.

(Angelic "Hallelujah!")

Or number two, suffer eternal damnation.

(Horrid death scream.) You decide.

Stoned, slow voice: Hey brother, you have reached the Narcotics Information Hotline. None of us can answer the phone right now, 'cause we're trying to decide if it exists. Leave a message.

-- Hilarious Answering Machine Messages --

Theme from "Raiders of the Lost Ark" in the background: You've reached the residence of John and Tom.

We can't come to the phone right now, because we're cleaning the refrigerator.

Please leave your name and number, and we'll get back to you.

Thug voice: Uh, hello, Mike and Brian aren't here right now.

They've been kidnapped!

So at the beep, leave your name, your number, your message, and ten thousand dollars in a brown paper bag.

To the tune of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana: Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, No one's here, No one's home, Leave a message, At the tone.

Don't feel stupid, Its no big fuss, Leave a message, You can reach us.

-- Hilarious Answering Machine Messages --

Very fast: Hi, this is 555-5555. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone.

If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number.

If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message.

If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP.

With loud music playing in the background: "Hello... HELLO?? I can't hear you! What?

Woman, seductively: Hi, I'm Linda.

You know, it can be really lonely when you're a fashion model.

Sometimes I just have to...

Interrupting: Oh come on Linda, give me the damn phone...

Ask them to leave a message.

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