HILARIOUS AUDIO ANSWERING MACHINE GREETINGS
Computer generated voice: Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now.
Demented, screechy voice; occasional background screams: Hello.
Thank you for calling Last Straw Chiropractic.
(Raspy gasp.)
We can't come to the phone right now because we're making a couple of
adjustments. (Break a few small twigs; big scream.)
Please leave your name and number and we'll get back to you as soon as
it is humanly possible.
Drunken voice: You have reached Bob's hotline.
We are not able to respond due to uninevitable circumcisions.
But if you leave your name and noomber, we won't be in wonder...
pa-a-a-a!
-- Hilarious Audio Answering Machine Greetings --
French
monologue in the
background: Around the world today, millions still speak French as
either a first or second language.
But with your continued support and help, we can wipe out French in our
lifetime. Please leave a message in English at the tone, and remember,
if someone tries to speak French to you, just say, "non".
Imitating Mr. Rogers: Hello.
I'm in the Neighborhood of Make Believe right now, so I can't come to
the phone.
Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone?
Sure... I knew you could.
In British voice: Hello!
I'll be eating lunch on my yacht, but I might be able to clear my
schedule if you’d like to do something.... leave me a pleasant message
after the beep.
-- Hilarious Audio Answering Machine Greetings --
Italian
Mafia-style voice: I
can't come to the phone right now.
Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk.
I think we're going to have to size it a little... (Aside:)
HEY GUIDO! GET THE CHAINSAW! Anyways, leave your name and a message.
If I like it, you'll hear from me.
If not, you'll hear from Guido! (Laughter.)
-- Hilarious Audio Answering Machine Greetings --
Jimmy
Buffett's "This Hotel
Room": "I ain't home, I ain't home, you better leave a message 'cause I
ain't home."
(Kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra":)
Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead
reached... (TA-DAAAAA!) the ANSWERING MACHINE!
Leave your name and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we
can.
-- Hilarious Audio Answering Machine Greetings --
Loud sounds
of a massive battle;
calm voice:
Hello! Due to the breakdown in the 452nd truce, the inhabitants of
village 286-3589 are cowering in their bomb shelters.
However, if you leave your name, number, and a message, any survivors
will get back to you when the 453rd truce begins.
Noble, aristocratic voice: Yes, one million dollars COULD be yours, IF
you leave your name, telephone number, and the reason WHY you want to
join the ranks of The Rich and Famous!
If this is Ross Perot, Bill Gates, Michael Jordan, or Princess Di, just
leave your VISA number and expiration date, and we will definitely get
back to you!
-- Hilarious Audio Answering Machine Greetings --
Operatic
music like Rossini's
"Stabbat Matter": Hi, you've reached Hell.
(Screams in the background.)
We're busy being cleaned by the light of eternal truth right now, so if
you leave your name, number, and a brief message, we'll get back to you
at the end of time.
Rod Serling imitation: You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world
without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode.
You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering
device...
You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".
Star Trek theme in the background: [Voice 1] Room 17, the final
frontier.
[Voice 2] These are the messages of Chad's answering machine.
Its two-semester mission:
To seek out your name and your telephone number.
[Voice 3] To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.
-- Hilarious Audio Answering Machine Greetings --
Sultry female
voice: Welcome to
Susan's Message Parlor of Delights.
We would be delighted if you would leave your name, number, and of
course a message that doesn't rub us the wrong way...
Theme music and voice from Alfred Hitchcock Presents: Good evening.
I'm sorry, but Steve can't come to the phone now, as he's quite tied up.
(Sounds of struggle in background, and voice heard through a gag.)
I should know.
I tied him up.
But leave your name and number, and he'll return your call if he
manages to get free. And speaking of things that are not free, we now
have this word from our sponsor...
-- Hilarious Audio Answering Machine Greetings --
To scare off
annoying liberals:
Hello, and thank you for calling the Bush in 50 Campaign.
Your five dollar donation to get George Bush re-elected in all 50
states will automatically be charged to your phone bill.
If you would like to leave a message...
(To the tune of "Heartbreak Hotel" with appropriate music:)
I just left home baby, I'll be out fer a spell, and if you don't leave
a message baby, you can go to BEEP
US National Anthem; Ronald Reagan voice: Uhh, hello... I'm, uhhh,
ohhhhhh... (Pause.)
Well, anyway, I'm here to answer the telephone on behalf of... erm...
uhhhh... ermmm... (Pause.)
I mean, he can't come to talk to you right now, but if you leave a
message after the, umm oh, the uhhhh... the uhhhhhh... BEEP.
Whole family crowds around, including screaming babies and noisy pets;
to the tune of "Frere Jacques":
We're not here now, We're not here now, Don't hang up, Don't hang up,
Leave your name and number, Leave your name and number, We'll call
back, We'll call back.
With strong east Indian accent: Hello, you have reached the existential
hotline of Ransheesh.
I am currently meditating, but if you leave your name and which
lifeline you are currently inhabiting at the sound of the Om,
I will send good karma waves and contact you when the stars align
properly.
