Hilarious Away Messages


This is Bob.

If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.

If you are my parents, please send money.

If you are my financial institution, you didn’t lend me enough money.

If you are my friends, you owe me some money.

If you are a female, don’t worry – I have plenty of money.

This is Deb's answering machine.

I'm SO depressed.

I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone.

Don't talk to me about life.

Just leave your name and number after the beep.

Here comes the beep, God how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding.

This call may be recorded or monitored for quality and training purposes.

If you don't wish this call to be monitored or recorded, then please let the answering machine know when you leave your message.

-- Hilarious Away Messages --

After the tone, please leave a massage — my shoulders really could use it, and... What? You're only supposed to leave a MESSAGE? Darn....

-- Funny Away Messages --

Hi, you have just contacted outer space, yes, outer space, don't be afraid of what is about to happen to you.

All you have to do is breathe deeply and it will be over in just a few seconds.

WOW, now that didn't hurt did it?

You have reached the number that you have dialed, but I have made some changes in my life.

Leave a message and if I don't call you back then your one of them.

-- Funny Away Messages --

Hi, we aren't in at the moment, if you are trying to sell us something please start speaking now and hang up at the beep, everyone else start speaking at the beep and hang up when you've finished.

-- Hilarious Away Messages --

Comrades! Southwestern Front Headquarters is pleased to learn that your unit has re-established communications.

The entire staff is currently busy discussing forthcoming operations with other units, but if you leave your unit name and how we may reach you, Chief of Staff Sterrett will contact you as soon as possible to discuss your concerns.


Hello, this is David.

I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number.

On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone.

I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back—only that I won't.

-- Funny Away Messages --

Hello, this is the Brown residence.

We're in the middle of a family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep and whoever wins will call you right back.

-- Hilarious Away Messages --

Hi, you've reached the home of George Ledec.

If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now.

If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now.

Otherwise, leave your message after the beep.


Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand?

Well, sometimes I do. Bye.

-- Funny Away Messages --

Hi. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone.

Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.

-- Hilarious Away Messages --

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember.

I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks


Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole.

Right now, all our assholes are busy.

After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an asshole return your call as soon as possible.

-- Hilarious Away Messages --

Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink.

I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange... mother...unicorn...computer. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.


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