Hilarious Cats Jokes

Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with us and to clean the litter box. Humans need to know basic rules.

They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.

You will then have a smooth-running household.

-- Hilarious Cats Jokes -- Lol Cats Rules --

The Most Important: Eating

Always eat as much as possible.

When humans say you've eaten enough, that's crap, they know nothing about how much we need to eat.

Eating, however, is only half the fun.

The other half is getting the food.

Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately unwilling to readily part.

It is beneath the Dignity of a cat to beg outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don't forget you exist.

These include, but are not limited to: jumping onto the lap of the "softest" human and purring loudly; lying down in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen, the Direct Stare, and twining around people's legs as they sit and eat while meowing plaintively. 

Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table.

Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's glass is full enough to drink from.

-- Hilarious Cats Jokes -- Lol Cats Rules --

The Second Most Important: Sleeping

Sleep as much as possible.

If you are inside the house during the night, always sleep on top of the the human at night so he/she cannot move around.

Even better- lie on his or hers face, make sure your arse is right on their nose.

During the day time, sleep inside the house, and sleep as much as possible.

You have to change places where to curl up as often as possible.

Sleeping in a different place every day is preferable, however you are sometimes allowed to return to the same plase for 2-3 days max.

If you wake up in the middle of the day, it is also recommended to change place, just move and curl up somewhere else.

-- Hilarious Cats Jokes -- Lol Cats Rules --

If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one.

This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering."

As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning.

When supervising cooking, lay in the middle of the kitchen floor so that no-one can move around too much.

When they open the fridge, go there quickly and try to climb into the fridge.

When they are chopping something, chanes are it is meat. Go there and beg.

-- Hilarious Cats Jokes -- Lol Cats Rules --

If your human is reading a book, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to cover as much of the work as possible at least.

Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen. Bite when you're moved on.

When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper.

When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard and write a short story.

Bat at mouse pointer on screen as if it was real.

Then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.

-- Hilarious Cats Jokes -- Lol Cats Rules --

Do not allow any closed doors in any room of the house.

To get door open, stand looking sad at the humans.

Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it.

After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things.

This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

This also applies to cupboard doors, try to open them with your paw and if you succeed, go in and make a big mess.

This will give humans something to do. They love cleaning and arranging things.

Whenever they have rearranged furniture in a room, go and check thoroughly whethe they have done a good job.

Remember you are the boss. Go and check the new arrangement in detail, and smell things.

-- Hilarious Cats Jokes -- Lol Cats Rules --

Always accompany guests to the bathroom.

It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare but occasionally rub their legs.

If you happen to be able to knock the toilet roll onto the floor, roll it around until the whole floor is covered in toilet paper.

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