MENTAL JOKES
Once I had multiple personalities, but now we are feeling well.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
Just because you are paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get you!
Psychiatrist to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'"
Mental Jokes - Short Psychologist Jokes
What is the best thing about schizophrenia?
You're never alone.
What's the worst thing about schizophrenia?
Paying more than once for everything.
Mental Jokes - Short Psychologist Jokes
A guy goes to see a psychologist. He says, "It seems I can't make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?"
A psychotic thinks that two and two are five.
A neurotic knows two and two are four -- but he hates it.
What happens when a psychiatrist and a hooker spend the night together? In the morning each of them says: "120 dollars, please."
A psychologist returned from a confrence in Aspen lodge, where all the psychologists were permited to ski for free. Her husband asked her, "How did it go?".
She replied, "Fine, but I've never seen so many Freudians slips."
Mental Jokes - Short Psychologist Jokes
Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages.
Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too.
Patient: Good, you should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds of them.
A man who thinks he's George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist. He finishes up one session by telling him, "Tomorrow, we'll cross the Delaware and surprise them when they least expect it."
As soon as he's gone, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, "King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I have the plans."
Short Psychologist Jokes
One behaviorist to another after lovemaking:
"Darling, that was wonderful for you. How was it for me?"
Why do psychiatrists give their patients shock treatment?
To prepare them for the bill.
"I'm treating a patient with a split personality," boasted a psychiatrist, "and Medicare pays for both of them!"
Mental Jokes - Short Psychologist Jokes
Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dustbin.
Psychiatrist: Don't talk such rubbish.
Patient: Doctor, I can't stop stealing things.
Psychiatrist: Take these pills. They should help you.
Patient: But what if they don't?
Psychiatrist: I'll have a new TV.
Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a curtain.
Psychiatrist: Pull yourself together!
Mental Jokes - Short Psychologist Jokes
Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm invisible.
Psychiatrist: Who said that?
Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages.
Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too.
Patient: Good, you should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds.
Mental Jokes - Short Psychologist Jokes
Two psychiatrists pass in the hall. The first says, "Hello."
The other thinks, "I wonder what he meant by that."
A man goes to the psychiatrist and says, "Doc, sometimes I think
I'm a tee pee, and other times I think I'm wig wam. What is it?"
The doctor says, "You're too tense."
Man: Doctor, my wife thinks she's a refrigerator!
Psychiatrist: Don't worry, it will pass.
Man: But, doctor, when she sleeps with her mouth open, that damn light bugs me!
A man calls the psychiatrist at a mental hospital and asks who's in room 24.
"Nobody" comes the reply.
"Good" says the man, "I must have escaped."
Short Psychologist Jokes
What is the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist?
If you say to a psychiatrist "I hate my mother", the shrink will ask "Why do
you say that?" while a psychologist will say "Thank you for sharing that with us."
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a bell.
Well, just go home and if the feeling persists, give me a ring.
Doctor, doctor, people tell me I'm a wheelbarrow.
Don't let people push you around.
Mental Jokes - Short Psychologist Jokes
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.
Doctor, doctor, people keep telling me I'm ugly!
Lay on the couch, face down.
Short Psychologist Jokes
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon.
Sit there and don't stir.
Mental Jokes - Short Psychologist Jokes
Doctor, doctor, I feel so short!
No problem. Climb up on the couch.
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a small bucket.
You do look a little pail.
Doctor, doctor, I've only got 59 seconds to live.
Can you wait a minute please?
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only
one but the
light bulb must want to be changed!
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