Funny New Year Jokes

There's a man sitting at a bar on New Years Eve, just looking at his drink for half an hour.

Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying...

The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking.

Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life.

First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office.

My boss, in an outrage, fires me.

When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.

The police say they can do nothing.

I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there.

The cab driver just drives away.

I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener.

I leave home and come to this bar.

And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

-- Funny New Year Jokes --

On New Year's Eve, Ann stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.

At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death.

-- Funny New Year Jokes --

On New Year's Eve, Peter was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home.

As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman.

'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.

'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Peter.

'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' enquired the constable sarcastically.

'I agree, but my wife will,' slurred Peter grimly.

-- Short New Year Jokes --

To kick start my New Year, I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

-- Short New Year Jokes --

The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass

-- Short New Year Jokes --

When I thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year.  I gave up thinking.

-- Funny New Year Jokes --

Dave, at a New Year's party, turns to his friend, Kevin, and asks for a cigarette.

'I thought you made a New Year's resolution to quit smoking,' Kevin responds.

'I'm in the process of quitting,' replies Dave with a grin.

'Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.'

'Phase one?' wonders Kevin.

'Yeah,' laughs Dave, 'I've quit buying.'  

-- Funny New Year Jokes --

Derek's New Year's Eve party was an annual occurrence with numerous guests arriving.

During the evening, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led to where the drinks were, in the kitchen.

He sat there happily, chatting away, for a couple of hours before a strange light dawned on his face.

'You know,' he confided to Derek, 'I wasn't even invited to this party.

I just came over to tell you that some of your guests' cars are blocking my drive.'

He continued, 'My wife's been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved, so that we can go out.'

-- Funny New Year Jokes --

As in many homes on New Year's Day, Lesley and Mark, a happily married couple, faced the annual conflict of which was more important: the football match on television, or the New Year's lunch.

Hoping to keep the peace Mark ate lunch with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-lunch chat before retiring to the lounge to turn on the television.

Some minutes later, Lesley looked in to see how he was and graciously even bought a cold beer for Mark.

She smiled, kissed him on the cheek and asked what the score was.

Mark told her it was half time and that the score was still 0-0

'See?' Lesley said happily, 'You didn't miss a thing.

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