OLD PEOPLE BIRTHDAY JOKES
It was Grandpa Jones' 100th birthday and he was still in perfect health.
At his birthday party he was asked how he managed to live so long and stay so fit...
He explained "I put my long life down to spending so much time out of doors.
I've been in the open air, day after day, rain or shine, for the last 75th years."
"How do you manage to keep up such a rigorous fitness regime?" we asked.
"It's simple" he said. "When I married my wife 75 years ago, we both made solemn pledge on our wedding night.
We agreed that whenever we ever had a fight, whoever was proved wrong would go outside and take a long walk."
Old People Birthday Jokes
You Know Your 90th birthday is not too far when
You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
You and your teeth don't sleep together anymore.
At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
Happy hour is a nap.
You stop buying green bananas.
Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.
It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
Someone compliments you on your layered look.... and you're wearing a bikini.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
Old People Birthday Jokes
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.
You wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
You step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure that the street is still there.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.
The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
"Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
You have a choice of two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home earlier.
Old People Birthday Jokes
The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.
The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come back in style.
Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
Old People Birthday Jokes
You’ll never have to endure those harrowing visits to the dentist again.
You’ll save a fortune on shampoo.
Your hernia operation will make you a star at the local pub.
You’ll no longer have to suffer the disappointment of thwarted ambitions – you no longer have any.
You can finally sell those dreadful diet and exercise books that have sat unopened on the bookshelf for years.
You’ll be the champ at history questions in the pub quiz.
You can embarrass your family by entering glamorous granny or good-looking grandfather competitions.
You don’t need to make an effort anymore – people will expect you to be frumpy, boring and cantankerous.
Your failing memory grants you to convince yourself that you’re a super sex machine.
You’ll be able to speak incessantly about the good old days.
Your failing
eyesight saves you the discomfort of seeing your
disintegrating body.
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