PSYCHOLOGIST JOKES


Funny Psychologist Jokes

A man walks into the psychiatrists office with a pancake on his head, fried eggs on each shoulder, and a strip of bacon over each ear.




He asks, doctor, what's wrong with me?

The psychiatrist says, "You are not eating properly."

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother he said,

"You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom.

"Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third mom.

"Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go home."


Funny Psychologist Jokes

In a psychiatrist's waiting room two patients are having a conversation.

One says to the other, "Why are you here?"

The second answers, "I'm Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come here."

The first is curious and asks, "How do you know that you're Napoleon?"

The second responds, "God told me I was."

At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts, "NO I DIDN'T!"

-- Crazy Psychologist Jokes --

Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed.

It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep.

Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it.

So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.

A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful.

"Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"

"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says.

"you seem to be doing much better. How?"

"I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"

"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.

"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."

"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks.

"How did he cure you in one session?"

"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off my bed."






-- Crazy Psychologist Jokes --

A man walked into a psychiatrist's office, sat down, took out a pack of cigarettes.

He removed a cigarette from the pack, unrolled it, and stuffed the tobacco up his nose.

The shrink frowned and said, "I see you need my help!"

The guy said, "Yeah Doc. Got a match!?"

Funny Psychologist Jokes

A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighborhood, so

for public safety, he was committed.

He was put in a room with another crazy and immediately began his routine,

"I am John The Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me!"

The other guy looks at him and declares, "I did *not*!"

-- Crazy Psychologist Jokes --

How do you tell the difference between the psychiatrists and the patients at the mental hospital?

- The staff have the keys

- Not everyone of the patients thinks he is God.

- The patients are the ones that eventually get better and leave

-- Crazy Psychologist Jokes --

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

None.

The light bulb will change itself when it's ready.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

"How long have you been having this phantasy?"

"Why does the light bulb necessarily have to change?"

How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb?

"How many do you think it takes?"




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