Santa Claus Jokes

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If Santa answered his letters...

Dear Santa,

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas.

Iv ben good boy all yeer.


Dear Billy,

Nice spelling.

You're on your way to being a career lawncare specialist.

How 'bout I send you a f***ing book so you can learn to read and write?

I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!


Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and

the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!

Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,

You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?



Dear Santa,

I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck.

Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!

Love, Joey

Dear Joey,

Let me make it up to you.

While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house.

You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.


-- Santa Claus Jokes --

Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and

I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.

Love, Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face.

You want to be a kiss-ass?

Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone.


Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?

Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,

All the toys get made in China.

I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses' asses, and losing all my cash at the craps table.

Hey, YOU wanted to know!


-- Santa Claus Jokes --

Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?

Love, Marky


Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky,"

that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school.

Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in.

I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams!


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