Funny Short Bar Jokes

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A man stomps into a bar, obviously angry.

He growls at the bartender,

"Gimme a beer", takes a slug, and shouts out, "All lawyers are assholes!"

A guy at the other end of the bar retorts, "You take that back!"

The angry man snarls, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"

The guy replies, "No, I'm an asshole!"

-- Funny Short Bar Jokes --

A man walks into a bar and orders one shot.

Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot.

After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot.

The bartender is curious and asks him,

"Every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket.


The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home."

Funny Short Bar Jokes -- Talking Dog

A guy walks into a bar with a dog. He claims the dog can talk.

"Give me a beer and I'll show you."

The bartender slides a beer to him and the man asks the dog,

"Fido, what is that above our heads?"

The dog says, "Roof!" The irritated bartender says,

"That's not talking, he sounds like any other dog."

The man says, "OK, how about this -

Fido, who was the best baseball player of all time?" The dog says, "Ruth!"

The bartender throws the man and the dog out of the bar.

Fido says to the man, "Ya think I shouldda said DiMaggio?"

Funny Short Bar Jokes -- The Drunk

A drunk goes into a bar.

The bartender tosses him out as he is too drunk.

The drunk walks back into the bar.

Again, the bartender throws him out for being too drunk.

Again the drunk walks into the bar.

The bartender is just about the throw him out when the drunk looks at him and says,

"How many bars do you own, anyway?"

-- Funny Short Bar Jokes --

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry.

I thought you were my wife.

You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

-- Walks into a Bar Jokes --

A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog.

The man asks, "Does your dog bite?".

The lady answers, "Never!"

The man reaches out to pet the dog and the dog bites him.

The man says, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!"

The woman replies, "He doesn't. This isn't my dog."

-- Bar Short Jokes --

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes.

He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar:

"Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles and falls over at least ten times.

They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man.

He stops the car and the drunk falls over again as he gets out of the car,

then stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door:

"Wow thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

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