Borrow money from pessimists.
They don't expect it back.
My Reality Check bounced.
Marriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffering.
Born Free... Taxed to Death.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening.
The new Chinese Cookbook is out at pet stores: 101 Ways to Wok Your Dog.
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here".
What does a blonde owl say? What, what?
Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
Your brain is in 2 parts.
Left brain has nothing right in it and right brain has nothing left in it.
God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested.
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It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.
Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here".
100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
God thought that since he couldn't be everywhere he made a mother.
Then devil thought that he couldn't be everywhere he made a mother-in-law.
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
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