Transform a Wealthy Yuppie Executive into a Redneck in 40 Easy Steps, Part One
You, sir – yes you! – In that fancy Italian suit and the shiny leather shoes, driving that Porsche! Yes, sir – we are talking to YOU!
Have you always wanted to be a Bubba and know the freedom of the redneck life, but didn’t know how?
No – don’t leave! You KNOW that has been your secret dream of freedom all your life.
Is there an inner Cletus inside that dapper and dignified executive image, just hollerin’ to get out?
Does the simple life of a backwoods Bubba call out to you in your fast-track dreams, demanding your attention?
Well, now, Mister Hotshot Corporate High-flyer, YOU can become the bubba redneck you have always wanted to be!
TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE? No! It’s TRUE!
Just purchase the following: one pair of overalls, one pack of chewing tobacco, several extra strength large garbage bags and six cases of beer. That is all you will need to start!
Now follow the 40 SIMPLE and EASY guidelines in our easy to follow manual!
REMEMBER. This transformation will not be easy! It requires courage and determination! When the going gets tough, just keep thinking of the freedom and the excitement of the Redneck life that waits for you!
Caution: These instructions MUST be followed in your BUSINESS OFFICE during WORKING HOURS. The corporate environment is required.
Before you begin this exciting transformation, have a photograph taken of yourself as a well dressed yuppie executive next to your car. This is for comparison later!
Now, follow the instructions carefully:
1) We assume you are a dignified, impeccably-groomed yuppie executive or other well-paid professional gentleman; therefore, as you read this, it is also assumed you are wearing a pair of impeccably-polished $800 Brooks Brothers black captoe leather shoes and silk business socks, a $2,000 pinstriped Armani business suit tailored for you, a $150 silk necktie with matching pocket square and suspenders, a starched white shirt, monogrammed cufflinks, silver tiepin and a Rolex.
If you are NOT dressed like this, or the equivalent, stop NOW and continue when you are.
As a successful executive you know that presentation is everything: perfect suit, shoes, hair, tie, car, home, teeth and briefcase. Well, it’s the same with rednecks – only in REVERSE!
FIRST, untie and remove mirror-shined high-powered handmade executive shoes. Peel off those slick business socks.
DO THIS NOW! This is NOT optional!
Be warned: your fancy shoes and socks have been vital to your identity until now, so do not deceive yourself; this will be a challenge to a true yuppie executive. They MUST be removed to move forward into the wonderful new world that awaits you.
Until now, you have been told “The first thing people notice are your shoes!” From now on, SHOES ARE YOUR ENEMY!
Repeat every day, once every hour: Shoes are my enemy!
(Note: This will work with ALL shoes worn by high-class executives and other professionals, including Johnston & Murphy wingtips and those Italian loafers with those little tassels on them.)
2) Stuff silk socks in those over-polished shoes and drop in garbage can.
3) *URGENT* Do not, under any circumstances, put those shoes back on. You MUST remain barefoot. If you fail, return to step one. This will take discipline! This is where most would-be bubbas fail!
You will be STRONGLY tempted to put those bigshot city boy shoes back on your feet – resist this! It will soon become natural. You will soon REFUSE to wear shoes – it sounds impossible, but it’s true! Have courage! Persevere!
If you have trouble, don’t hesitate to call our 800 emergency number. A bona fide trained Bubba coach will help you.
4) The following is guaranteed to drag you off your hotshot corporate high horse in a hurry, and down into the redneck world! After this, you WON’T be able to get back on that corporate ladder! Trust us!
PROP BARE FEET ON POLISHED OFFICE DESK, WITH SOLES FACING OPEN OFFICE DOOR.
Yes, you read this correctly! It will be a challenge to everything you have been in the past! But remember: the life of a Bubba is calling you!
Do NOT remove bare feet from desk, even when co-workers, clients and/or boss enter office.
5) Remove your monogrammed cufflinks and scratch the soles of your feet with them when others enter office and during office conference. Put the cufflinks back on.
6) Use your classy silk made-in-France necktie to wipe nose.
7) Use your silver tiepin and/or collar stud to clean toenails. Put the tiepin or collar stud back in tie or shirt.
Eat lunch with a knife only. Wipe the dirty knife on otherwise impeccable business suit. Remember, you must UNLEARN all your good “businessman” manners! Forget all those lessons you learned in your uppity prep school. Rednecks have a different code!
9) Reach under your suit trouser leg and scratch. Scratch under arms. Scratch hard! Do this often.
10) Open a can of beer. Drink very rapidly and then belch loudly. Practice! Dribble on your business suit. Discarded silk business socks may be used to wipe mouth. Repeat. Pile the empty cans on expensive office carpet.
11) Shout with laughter for no reason.
Note: Do NOT be concerned if you experience concern about your dignity. Your dignity will soon disappear! Do not worry!
12) Place tobacco in your mouth; place in back of cheek. Practice spitting streams of tobacco juice on to computer screen, or on polished office floor, or on important presentation, or in the cuffs of the trousers of your pinstriped suit.
Those shiny shoes you took off may also serve as spittoon.
Note: This is the ONLY time when you may retrieve shoes from garbage! Return to garbage can when finished! See Step #3.
13) Now it is time to get rid of all the rest of those classy executive clothes you’re wearing. This will be very difficult. Remember: you are no longer a person of Influence or a High Flyer or a VIP! So DON’T dress like one!
Until now this has been your uniform! Not anymore! For you are now a redneck!
14) Untie and remove your dapper, natty silk necktie. Neckties belong to the white-collar world you are leaving! What do you need a necktie for? You’re a Bubba now! You’re free! Drop it in the garbage.
15) Now, take off all that stupid jewelry and extra useless stuff that important and respected businessmen wear: unfasten and remove your Cartier gold monogrammed cufflinks, pluck the pocket square that used to match the tie you just threw away out of your suit, unfasten your Hugo Boss tiepin, unbutton and pull out your suspenders. Drop ALL items in garbage can.
16) Slide your Rolex watch off your wrist. Rednecks do NOT wear wristwatches of any kind! Throw it out NOW! Yes – NOW! You will keep looking at your wrist for a while, but soon you won’t care what time it is.
14) Now for the SUIT: ultimate symbol of corporate success, privelege and prestige but also an obstacle to bubbahood!
STRIP off that expensive tailored Italian business suit, the crisply starched shirt and even your designer underwear. (Yes, the Ralph Lauren silk boxer shorts and the tee shirt have to go too, so quit gripin’ and whinin’ sonny boy and take em off!) Toss ALL items in the garbage can.
Do NOT carefully fold that suit. Just DUMP it in the garbage.
Note: Removal of that beautiful hand-tailored business suit will be TRAUMATIC for the uppity, high and mighty upper class businessman you have been until now. It is comparable to an operation. No, don't argue with me Bubba! Git that suit off NOW!
Be prepared for a shock to your system. Just remember – you will no longer be respected or admired. You will be FREE!
15) Shred all the contents of your briefcase. Add the briefcase, and your Blackberry to the garbage can.
16) Cut up all business and credit cards, without exception, and throw away your wallet. What will you do for money? No problem! You won’t have any.
17) Cut up your Ivy League and and other prestigious college degree. Also, destroy all evidence of professional accomplishments and success. You will NOT need them!
18) Put on overalls. Walk around in them to get used to your new look. Take pride in your redneck identity!