Transform a Wealthy Yuppie Executive into a Redneck in 40 Easy Steps, Part Two
19) Practice poor posture and sluggish walk. Let your jaw go slack, bubba!
Have operation to flatten your feet. After the operation those dapper shoes you used to wear won?t fit anymore, so even if you weaken and try to put them on ? you can?t because your feet are now too wide!
20) Cancel subscriptions to the Wall Street Journal and the New York Times. Have cable disconnected.
21) If you have not already been fired, quit that high-paying prestigious white-collar job immediately and stop working altogether.
Alternative: become a garbage man or janitor or sling hash in a diner.
22) Now prepare yourself: Those nice white businessman TEETH of yours will have to go.
Have you seen a redneck?s teeth? Make appointment with a dentist. Have the two front top teeth removed. Chip all other teeth and stain yellow with tobacco juice.
23) We have more news for you: Your HAIR has to go as well. yes ? no more hair on your head for you!
That thick head of carefully groomed, neatly parted executive hair just won?t fit with the redneck world. Just think of the joys of the redneck world that await!
Make appointment with a surgeon. Have all hair on the top of your head removed through electrolysis. Let hair grow on sides and back. Have a unibrow added.
24) Shave ONLY twice a week using blunt razor. Be careful to leave a scraggly beard at ALL times. That clean-shaven look you have now goes well with a boardroom ? but not for a Bubba!
25) Bathe ONLY twice a week. You?re used to daily showers. Forget it.
26) Begin an intensive redneck language course. Do not use more than five words in a sentence. Drop all ?NG? endings from words ? ?havin? instead of ?having?. Learn to yelp and whoop and holler.
27) Sell your Porsche. No redneck drives a fancy foreign car!
28) Buy a used, rusty and very old pickup.
29) Sell your condo. They won?t let you stay there now anyway!
30) Sell all of your furniture. ALL OF IT!
31) Sell all of your executive sports equipment. EVERYTHING BUBBA! Tennis rackets and golf clubs and squash rackets and tennis and golf clothes.
32) Start growing a beer gut.
Yes, you MUST gain weight! Do NOT exercise at all while doing this. Eat large amounts of fatty foods. Add at least 40 pounds to your stomach. Say goodbye to that dapper, trim executive image and be free!
33) Buy a dilapidated shack in backwoods and shotgun rack.
34) Give or throw away ALL your remaining clothes: business suits, ties, shoes, socks, shirts, and accessories, including that Burberry tuxedo and overcoat and those patent leather pumps you wore to corporate black tie events.
NOTHING can be retained. The clothes of a wealthy executive will have no place in your new life! Bubbas DO NOT wear tuxedos!
And that sharp looking tux won?t fit over your new beer gut!
35) Sell your stocks, bonds and ALL OF YOUR FINANCIAL ASSSETS. Ye ? EVERYTHING! You will have NO retirement savings or nest egg!
36) Give all proceeds from these and sale of car and home to the local Redneck Games. You are supporting the Hubcap Hurl, Bobbin? for Pigsfeet, and toilet seat horseshoes for decades to come! Don?t be shocked ? you?ll be there too, covered with mud!
You will NOT need money. You were once affluent, but are now officially below the poverty line and will remain there.
37) Watch NASCAR and pro-wrestling every day. Do NOT miss any episodes.
38) Find a wrecked car and leave it in front of your shack.
39) Have your name changed legally from aristocratic names like ?Gregory? or ?Andrew? or ?Trevor? to ?Cletus? or ?Bubba? or ?Jed?.
40) Now ? have a photograph taken of yourself as a Bubba. Compare with earlier photograph! We are so sure you will be satisfied we will refund your money if you are not!
You are now the man you would have feared and run from in your old life!
Congratulations! You sir ? or should I say ?BUBBA? ? are now the Redneck you have dreamed of becoming!
Satisfaction Guaranteed! And no one will ever call you ?sir? again!